I am writing from the just other side of realizing that being is useful, as the only place that I live and operate from in my life. Sounds funny, but I am literally, just discovering it in my body. Just discovering it in my experience. I’m just on the other side.

I realized this today. And I can write. I have been sitting with this open blog on writing for a few months. I have been thinking about writing for a few years. I am realizing just today I can do this from a different place.

I can just speak. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be right. It doesn’t have to be authoritative. I certainly don’t have to fix things or claim that I know how to do everything right. So what?

I am writing today from a place that is no longer resisting my grief.

There is no resource I don’t have. Whatever is there, that’s what’s meant to be. I get what comes from this body, this life, this synergy of experiences and things. I am no longer resisting who I am, or the grief that comprises my life. I see into it. This is the fruit of being in it, this precious-difficult period, re-experiencing, shaking, and grieving. Unraveling from the inside out. The wild thrashing, negotiation, resistance.

I find it, peeling back layer and layer, watching my body, and reeling in what it reveals. It is in me, at my core, inherited, impressed on me, lived, avoided, 40 years. I lose what I wanted. What I can’t control. I will never get these things. It started before I was born. It was set in me in times before I had memories; the subjective portal of the body.

Today, I end resisting. I start accepting. I stop – what I have been doing for 40 years. And I shift. I am ready to live from it. It doesn’t put me to sleep. I am ready to be with it. I am ready to stop grieving this way.

And because I can be with me, because I can love and accept even what I don’t want, I can write. It is not words. Not figuring things out. Not mechanisms. Its living, creating, channeling what is already there. That is good enough. This is the center that I live from.

I can occupy that space now. I am no longer unconscious of my suffering. Its a physical experience And you know what… “I’m happy”. This is the center that I live from. The part, I could not stand, is actually where I live.